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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Letter to Myself

Posted by Hanna

A Note from Hanna as of March 25, 2009:

I am sitting here writing this after listening to my 12 month old daughter cry herself to sleep. Well, actually, that never happened…she never did “cry herself to sleep”…more like she cried herself awake! I probably should have tried this tactic a few months ago when she was less aware of what was going on (at least I think she was). But, I didn’t and so now I am trying this because the past couple of months Tracy and I have been switching back and forth walking—not “rocking”—her to sleep. So basically we will hold her in our arms and walk around her room while playing some sort of relaxing music (usually Josh Groban). For a while this was working wonders to get her to sleep. Eventually though, it was taking longer and longer to get her to sleep..and you couldn’t just lay her in bed drowsy but awake, because she would immediately wake completely up and then all of that walking would have been for nothing. I forgot to mention that our backs have been killing us so we definitely need to change our way of doing things.

I guess Sophie needs to figure out how to put herself to sleep. Note that I used the word “guess” because at this point I am really not sure what to think. I mean sure, EVENTUALLY she needs to do this….but can you really expect all babies to be able to do this at this age? Don’t answer. I guess that is what the “experts” say…but who are the “experts” anyhow?

This is the 4th night we have tried to let her cry. I didn’t want to go “cold turkey” on her so I would go in after five minutes the first night and every night after wait a little longer. Well, tonight I listened to her cry for 35 minutes…no scream for 35 minutes. It really was unbearable (that is not even close to describing how I felt….and I am not sure I know how to describe it). Tonight she just would not go to sleep. She was so tired but just wouldn’t let herself go….I finally caved and got her out and held her until she fell asleep. She looked so peaceful after being hysterical and completely drenched with sweat from crying so much. I love her so much...and I am such a sensitive person that I feel like I am her when she is crying like that. I would actually talk to Tracy as if I was her. Example: “Why the HECK aren’t my parents coming to get me! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE cant you hear me!!! My throat hurts…I NEED some water. I don’t want to be in this dark room by myself. I don’t know if I am tired. PLEASE COME!!! Don’t you love me?” OK….so thinking that way doesn’t help the situation. Especially that last part. I just never want her to feel abandoned or not loved.

So the real reason for writing this besides getting some of this off my chest was …to actually write myself a letter of thoughts and encouragement. I can tend to get really down on myself and slide into a rippling effect of bad thoughts. I was feeling very depressed tonight after this episode.

I hope this helps.

Letter to Myself:

Go with your instincts and the promptings of the Spirit to guide you in caring, nurturing, loving, and everything else that comes with raising a child. Kids don’t come with manuals (though there are many books with differing opinions). Don’t listen to every opinion. Well, listen…but that doesn’t mean they are “right” and you are “wrong.” Some advice really is “good” advice. Don’t take any advice personally…even if it was meant that way. Don’t let the adversary (Satan) convince you that you are a bad mother. You are doing the best you can with the knowledge, strength, patience, and love that is in you. Rely on the Lord to make you a better mother…HE will give you the strength you need to endure all things. And He will give you light to direct your path. Always go to the Lord first before beating yourself up…HE will give you the Spirit to lift YOUR Spirit. Tomorrow is a new day. Look ahead with hope. Don’t get discouraged.

To anyone that might read this. Remember those are my opinions to myself. If they are helpful for you great…if not…that is ok too.

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Blogger Kristie said...

so i noticed that you wrote this post on march 25th, and posted it on april 7th--does that mean she is still having a lot of trouble, or has it gotten better since then? Sorry its so hard on all of you, i sincerely feel for you!!! and i totally agree about that "letter to yourself" thing.. I had a lot of people giving me advice when i was in a similar situation with jake, and i about ripped my hair out trying everything--ultimately my dad's advice proved best, which was to just follow the spirit and my natural mommy instincts. We did let jake cry a lot trying to figure that stuff out.. but there were a lot of smaller personal details that i know came from the spirit that helped us a lot. sorry you guys are struggling, i'm praying for you! and on a lighter note, i wanna come see you and jake wants to come see his cute little sophie!!! wow, this was a long comment. cheers!

April 8, 2009 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Vickie Blanchard said...

Thanks for posting this. I think you've got the right attitude, and I will probably come back to this once Katie is here! Sophie is a cutie!

April 8, 2009 at 8:52 AM  

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